Driving through any city during rush hour is never a terribly good idea, especially when you’re meant to be meeting someone at a set time. The city I question, on this occasion, lived up to the expectations of its fellow cities and became thoroughly gridlocked.
Hans was weaving his way through in a hire car he’d got for the week. He’d been following the signs for the airport for two hours now and he was sure he’d driven past it several times already, but after yesterday’s experience he thought it best to stick to the sign posted route.
Right now, however, that left him stationary, packed in from all sides by other vehicles. Thus it was a little surprising when what could only be described as a drunken tramp ran across the road towards his car, shouting something and finally diving over the bonnet and knocking himself out on the windscreen.
Hans clambered out of the car and stared at the man. He wore several layers of clothing, a tattered woolen hat and a vacant expression. His face, well, was more like hair with a face attached to it, and he had the world’s most ridiculous moustache (well it would have won if such a competition existed). None of this offered any clues as to what the man was trying to tell him, so Hans did what seemed to be the logical thing to him; he put the man slumped across the back seat of the car so he could ask him later, and drove off.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Finding the Car
Hans had been feeling rather pleased with himself, he’d managed to find Jane without too much hassle. She’d welcomed him with a hug and they begun chatting about how Hans had acquired his castle. It was at this point that Hans begun to become slightly less pleased. Although he’d forgotten where the car was parked that wasn’t so much a problem as that he’d forgotten what the car looked like.
So he did the mature male thing, and picked a random direction and set off walking that way, in the vague hope that he might stumbled across the car before Jane realised what was going on. About a minute or two later she did. Whether it was his vacant expression, the gazing in each and every direction, or maybe just that he’d walked into a lamp post mere seconds before.
“You’re lost aren’t you Hans?” she said as she leant against the nearest car, tired from dragging a suitcase halfway across an airport car park. (She wasn’t sure it was halfway across, as airport car parks seem to encompass an infinite area, but it sure felt like it.)
“No, I know exactly where we are,” Hans lied.
“Oh yeah, go on then.”
“Err…” stalled Hans,” We’re err… here, in the airport car park.”
“Well done, Einst… eek!” screamed Jane.
Hans was pretty certain about what Jane had just seen. “That’s the car there,” he said putting one and one together and not getting 5.6 for a change.
“Hans is there something you should be telling me, cos it’s not normal to drive about with an unconscious bloke on your back seat! Are you a closet kidnapper or something, cos if you are I’m out of here?”
He related the tale of earlier that day to Jane, and they both climbed into the car, she wasn’t in the mood to argue anymore.
Instead she changed the subject. “How far is it then to this castle I’m supposed to be breaking into,” she asked, glancing back nervously at her shoulder.
“Oh, not too far, we shouldn’t be long at all,” said Hans confidently as he started the car up.
So he did the mature male thing, and picked a random direction and set off walking that way, in the vague hope that he might stumbled across the car before Jane realised what was going on. About a minute or two later she did. Whether it was his vacant expression, the gazing in each and every direction, or maybe just that he’d walked into a lamp post mere seconds before.
“You’re lost aren’t you Hans?” she said as she leant against the nearest car, tired from dragging a suitcase halfway across an airport car park. (She wasn’t sure it was halfway across, as airport car parks seem to encompass an infinite area, but it sure felt like it.)
“No, I know exactly where we are,” Hans lied.
“Oh yeah, go on then.”
“Err…” stalled Hans,” We’re err… here, in the airport car park.”
“Well done, Einst… eek!” screamed Jane.
Hans was pretty certain about what Jane had just seen. “That’s the car there,” he said putting one and one together and not getting 5.6 for a change.
“Hans is there something you should be telling me, cos it’s not normal to drive about with an unconscious bloke on your back seat! Are you a closet kidnapper or something, cos if you are I’m out of here?”
He related the tale of earlier that day to Jane, and they both climbed into the car, she wasn’t in the mood to argue anymore.
Instead she changed the subject. “How far is it then to this castle I’m supposed to be breaking into,” she asked, glancing back nervously at her shoulder.
“Oh, not too far, we shouldn’t be long at all,” said Hans confidently as he started the car up.
The Mystery Man
It took Hans an hour just to find the exit to the car park, and then another two before they were back at Avysmere. In accordance with Jane’s wishes he dropped her off here in preparation for her evening attempt to scale the castle walls.
He was now driving the car back into the courtyard, he would have been handing the keys back in a few minutes if Jane hadn’t decided to hire the car for another two weeks herself. Hans felt pretty glad about that as there looked to be some bad weather setting in and he’d be glad to not have to spend it all riding around getting soaked thoroughly on his bike, or more to the point he’d be glad it wouldn’t risk the chance of rusting.
He parked the car; he had one more thing to do before he started getting on with cooking dinner. The guy in the back of the car, whoever he was, had just begun coming round. Hans began to wonder why he hadn’t just left him there, then realised he was just far too curious. He remembered the incident when he used to work in that factory back home and he’d pressed this big green button just to find out what it did. It had been the fire alarm override, and the whole building was evacuated; he’d been fired on the spot.
The man was clearly confused. He was dazed too, but confusion was asserting itself for a change, sick of always having ‘dazed and’ always stuck before it. This time it was going to stand on its own two legs and break off the chains of marriage to that neglectful word. ‘Dazed’ was useless, it never washed up and always took all the covers in bed.
He snapped out of it, and realised he was sat in a car; he decided to stay there as it was the most comfortable place he’d been in a while, and besides no-one ever wants to get up when they’ve got a hangover. Then he noticed that Hans was stood over him, “Who on Earth are you?” he asked.
“Hans Little’s the name. It looked like you wanted to talk to me earlier?”
“No, I just wanted money to get pissed up again, I can’t cope otherwise.”
“Oh, fair enough then. Who on Earth are you then?”
“Ted Periwinkle, last survivor of Dunnuffin,” he introduced himself grandly.
Hans was taken aback, he hadn’t realised Periwinkle was a last name; he’d always thought it sounded too silly. Not even a work of fiction would dare include it. Then he remembered the rest of what Ted had told him. “Where is Dunnuffin by the way?”
“Erm... somewhere I suppose, in the sea, all I remember was that I got called away one night on a plumbing job and when I went back the whole of Dunnuffin village had fallen into the sea.”
“Bloody ‘ell,” exclaimed Hans “Well you’re welcome to stay here instead of living on the streets,” said Hans. He’d suddenly become peculiarly charitable of late, Hans supposed it was just his way of coping with the vast sum of money he’d acquired.
“Cheers, it’ll be nice to be warm for a change,” replied Ted.
Hans hid a grimace; much as he liked the guy he didn’t half smell of rotten cabbage.
He was now driving the car back into the courtyard, he would have been handing the keys back in a few minutes if Jane hadn’t decided to hire the car for another two weeks herself. Hans felt pretty glad about that as there looked to be some bad weather setting in and he’d be glad to not have to spend it all riding around getting soaked thoroughly on his bike, or more to the point he’d be glad it wouldn’t risk the chance of rusting.
He parked the car; he had one more thing to do before he started getting on with cooking dinner. The guy in the back of the car, whoever he was, had just begun coming round. Hans began to wonder why he hadn’t just left him there, then realised he was just far too curious. He remembered the incident when he used to work in that factory back home and he’d pressed this big green button just to find out what it did. It had been the fire alarm override, and the whole building was evacuated; he’d been fired on the spot.
The man was clearly confused. He was dazed too, but confusion was asserting itself for a change, sick of always having ‘dazed and’ always stuck before it. This time it was going to stand on its own two legs and break off the chains of marriage to that neglectful word. ‘Dazed’ was useless, it never washed up and always took all the covers in bed.
He snapped out of it, and realised he was sat in a car; he decided to stay there as it was the most comfortable place he’d been in a while, and besides no-one ever wants to get up when they’ve got a hangover. Then he noticed that Hans was stood over him, “Who on Earth are you?” he asked.
“Hans Little’s the name. It looked like you wanted to talk to me earlier?”
“No, I just wanted money to get pissed up again, I can’t cope otherwise.”
“Oh, fair enough then. Who on Earth are you then?”
“Ted Periwinkle, last survivor of Dunnuffin,” he introduced himself grandly.
Hans was taken aback, he hadn’t realised Periwinkle was a last name; he’d always thought it sounded too silly. Not even a work of fiction would dare include it. Then he remembered the rest of what Ted had told him. “Where is Dunnuffin by the way?”
“Erm... somewhere I suppose, in the sea, all I remember was that I got called away one night on a plumbing job and when I went back the whole of Dunnuffin village had fallen into the sea.”
“Bloody ‘ell,” exclaimed Hans “Well you’re welcome to stay here instead of living on the streets,” said Hans. He’d suddenly become peculiarly charitable of late, Hans supposed it was just his way of coping with the vast sum of money he’d acquired.
“Cheers, it’ll be nice to be warm for a change,” replied Ted.
Hans hid a grimace; much as he liked the guy he didn’t half smell of rotten cabbage.
The Bet
Jane heaved herself onto the battlement. The whole breaking into the castle thing originated from a conversation they’d had on a school trip years ago. They were on the way back home and Hans had just blurted out his dream to live in either of a castle, a windmill, or a fake volcano. Almost as impulsively she’d bet him that she’d break into it. She had no idea why, or how you could live in a fake volcano for that matter, but she was glad Hans had given her that phone call a week ago.
For too long now she’d spent her days in melancholy. What else would you do if your one true love gave his life trying to save you from a psychopathic terrorist cell that demanded equal rights for plants? She’d waited in hope that one day he’d walk through the door and everything would be okay. He didn’t and all the time she’d sealed herself into isolation.
That was the first time she’d had her visions. They were premonitions of the future, of what was to happen, or more correctly the exact opposite of what was going to happen. She’d had such a lovely dream about them enjoying their trek through the Amazon basin, instead it had turned out to be a living nightmare where her life it all went wrong.
But now she was here. The ascent up the wall hadn’t taken long at all, the weathered rock made great handholds. It felt good to be back out actually doing something for a change, she thought as she secured the rope around the crenellations. She was sick of having to listen to those silly moaning daytime shows every day. At least the worst show of them all, Killjoy, wasn’t on any more, you were supposed to get emotional about the problems the guests brought, but you found yourself getting more and more wound up by his irritating behavior. Even so, the loss of that program hadn’t made it much better.
Jane began abseiling down the inside of the wall, deep into the darkness. Nearly there, she thought as she glimpsed what looked like the courtyard beneath her, but at that moment she saw what looked like a person stop directly below her. She tried to slow her descent, but it was no use, she just couldn’t bring herself to a halt quick enough.
Ted looked up, and was startled to find the figure of Jane looming above him, motionless, frozen in the air. He wasn’t sure which scared him more, the woman hanging in mid-air above him or Mervin walking towards him and ordering him to grab the woman by the legs.
Either way, Mervin’s voice was authoritive enough to get him to do exactly what he said. Between them they lowered her down to the ground. Mervin stood back, pointed his wand and shouted, “Tarantula!”
“Do you know how long I waited to fulfill that bet? And now you two goons come along and ruin it, and just when I was beginning to feel better about myself!” she screamed storming off to find Hans.
“Well don’t say thank you or anything,” mumbled Mervin under his breath. He stood in the middle of the floor, grumbling for a while longer, but this was more to disguise the fact that he’d completely forgotten what he was actually doing out here. Not that this is an atypical behavior for people but when you are reaching Mervin’s age people starting talking about senility, and decide to send you to care homes. The mere thought of spending all day listening to those oh so captivating war tales that old folk seem to enjoy boring people to death with made him shudder. Perhaps, thought Mervin, they told them simply because they wanted a nap, and felt guilty about doing that whilst other people were around, so they tried to get them to fall asleep too!
All these thoughts were completely off the point anyway, when he remembered what he was meant to be doing.
“Yeh’re Ted, aren’t yeh?” he inquired.
“Yeah, it is.”
“Hans wanted everyone to gather in the kitchen, it appears he’s got a surprise of some sort cooked up for yeh.”
Mervin saw Ted wander off, and pitied him. From what he’d heard Chloe talk about this it was probably something that would all end in tears, definitely one to miss. A card game involving spoons, it just sounded wrong!
For too long now she’d spent her days in melancholy. What else would you do if your one true love gave his life trying to save you from a psychopathic terrorist cell that demanded equal rights for plants? She’d waited in hope that one day he’d walk through the door and everything would be okay. He didn’t and all the time she’d sealed herself into isolation.
That was the first time she’d had her visions. They were premonitions of the future, of what was to happen, or more correctly the exact opposite of what was going to happen. She’d had such a lovely dream about them enjoying their trek through the Amazon basin, instead it had turned out to be a living nightmare where her life it all went wrong.
But now she was here. The ascent up the wall hadn’t taken long at all, the weathered rock made great handholds. It felt good to be back out actually doing something for a change, she thought as she secured the rope around the crenellations. She was sick of having to listen to those silly moaning daytime shows every day. At least the worst show of them all, Killjoy, wasn’t on any more, you were supposed to get emotional about the problems the guests brought, but you found yourself getting more and more wound up by his irritating behavior. Even so, the loss of that program hadn’t made it much better.
Jane began abseiling down the inside of the wall, deep into the darkness. Nearly there, she thought as she glimpsed what looked like the courtyard beneath her, but at that moment she saw what looked like a person stop directly below her. She tried to slow her descent, but it was no use, she just couldn’t bring herself to a halt quick enough.
Ted looked up, and was startled to find the figure of Jane looming above him, motionless, frozen in the air. He wasn’t sure which scared him more, the woman hanging in mid-air above him or Mervin walking towards him and ordering him to grab the woman by the legs.
Either way, Mervin’s voice was authoritive enough to get him to do exactly what he said. Between them they lowered her down to the ground. Mervin stood back, pointed his wand and shouted, “Tarantula!”
“Do you know how long I waited to fulfill that bet? And now you two goons come along and ruin it, and just when I was beginning to feel better about myself!” she screamed storming off to find Hans.
“Well don’t say thank you or anything,” mumbled Mervin under his breath. He stood in the middle of the floor, grumbling for a while longer, but this was more to disguise the fact that he’d completely forgotten what he was actually doing out here. Not that this is an atypical behavior for people but when you are reaching Mervin’s age people starting talking about senility, and decide to send you to care homes. The mere thought of spending all day listening to those oh so captivating war tales that old folk seem to enjoy boring people to death with made him shudder. Perhaps, thought Mervin, they told them simply because they wanted a nap, and felt guilty about doing that whilst other people were around, so they tried to get them to fall asleep too!
All these thoughts were completely off the point anyway, when he remembered what he was meant to be doing.
“Yeh’re Ted, aren’t yeh?” he inquired.
“Yeah, it is.”
“Hans wanted everyone to gather in the kitchen, it appears he’s got a surprise of some sort cooked up for yeh.”
Mervin saw Ted wander off, and pitied him. From what he’d heard Chloe talk about this it was probably something that would all end in tears, definitely one to miss. A card game involving spoons, it just sounded wrong!
Spoons
It was Ted’s turn to deal. He deftly flicked up the cards out of his hands to each of the players. Jane sat next to him, neatly arranging the spoons in the middle of the table. Spoons was the name of the game Hans was playing with them, it was interesting and so far the game was fairly even.
Hans knew that they got dealt four cards each and then had to pass a card each to the player next to them. He passed to Chloe, then she passed to Ted, he passed to Jane and then finally back to himself again. Quite why he had no idea, but everyone else seemed to be make a fuss about having four similar cards or something. All Hans knew was that as soon as someone went for a spoon he had to grab one or he lost. He felt too embarrassed to ask what the rest of the rules were, all he’d done was gather everyone and then Chloe had rattled them off at too high a speed for him to properly comprehend, besides, so far he’d been doing rather well.
Instead he asked Chloe where her father had gone.
“He’s gone to the local wizarding union meeting, they meet in some church hall with a load of people who think they’re wizards. Apparently it’s quite a laugh. Then the real wizards go to the pub afterwards for the actual meeting,” she answered.
“Oh, didn’t know there was one,” he said feeling left out.
“Don’t worry, neither did I,” replied Chloe. “In fact, I swear he just makes these sorts of things up as an excuse to go to the pub,” she added, lunging for a spoon.
Hans reacted quickly, grabbing hold of the end of a spoon and pulling it back hard towards himself. Unfortunately Chloe was holding the other end and she fell into him, sending him flying backwards onto the floor with her on top.
They lay there for a second before Hans let go of the spoon. It was more than his life was worth to hold on, he thought.
“Thanks,” said Chloe and pecked him on the cheek, before excusing herself for a few minutes.
Hans looked back across the table, Jane and Ted hadn’t really spoken to each other since the incident earlier. As he was about to try and break the ice between them, Ted spoke.
“Sorry about what happened earlier, lass, my heads not been in the right place for a while. So, how do you know Hans then, is he a close friend, old flame, exotic relation or what?” he asked. “Only, I wish you’d talk a bit more, you know, its not like someone’s just shot the love of your life in front of you is it!”
Jane slapped him and stormed out of the room.
Ted stared at Hans, as if to ask what he had done wrong.
“Well, you kind of hit the nail right on the head just then.” Ted was shocked, a more posh people would have been flabbergasted, but you’ve not got that much choice when you’ve been living on the streets for year. Beggars can’t be choosers and all that.
“You know it probably didn’t help that you kept leaning more and more towards her, what are you trying to do chat her up or something?” Hans said, seriously.
“Geez, I certainly got a knack for putting me foot in it, ain’t I?” said Ted as he got up to find Jane.
He started out the door but never made it on account of walking straight into Mervin who was coming the other way.
Hans knew that they got dealt four cards each and then had to pass a card each to the player next to them. He passed to Chloe, then she passed to Ted, he passed to Jane and then finally back to himself again. Quite why he had no idea, but everyone else seemed to be make a fuss about having four similar cards or something. All Hans knew was that as soon as someone went for a spoon he had to grab one or he lost. He felt too embarrassed to ask what the rest of the rules were, all he’d done was gather everyone and then Chloe had rattled them off at too high a speed for him to properly comprehend, besides, so far he’d been doing rather well.
Instead he asked Chloe where her father had gone.
“He’s gone to the local wizarding union meeting, they meet in some church hall with a load of people who think they’re wizards. Apparently it’s quite a laugh. Then the real wizards go to the pub afterwards for the actual meeting,” she answered.
“Oh, didn’t know there was one,” he said feeling left out.
“Don’t worry, neither did I,” replied Chloe. “In fact, I swear he just makes these sorts of things up as an excuse to go to the pub,” she added, lunging for a spoon.
Hans reacted quickly, grabbing hold of the end of a spoon and pulling it back hard towards himself. Unfortunately Chloe was holding the other end and she fell into him, sending him flying backwards onto the floor with her on top.
They lay there for a second before Hans let go of the spoon. It was more than his life was worth to hold on, he thought.
“Thanks,” said Chloe and pecked him on the cheek, before excusing herself for a few minutes.
Hans looked back across the table, Jane and Ted hadn’t really spoken to each other since the incident earlier. As he was about to try and break the ice between them, Ted spoke.
“Sorry about what happened earlier, lass, my heads not been in the right place for a while. So, how do you know Hans then, is he a close friend, old flame, exotic relation or what?” he asked. “Only, I wish you’d talk a bit more, you know, its not like someone’s just shot the love of your life in front of you is it!”
Jane slapped him and stormed out of the room.
Ted stared at Hans, as if to ask what he had done wrong.
“Well, you kind of hit the nail right on the head just then.” Ted was shocked, a more posh people would have been flabbergasted, but you’ve not got that much choice when you’ve been living on the streets for year. Beggars can’t be choosers and all that.
“You know it probably didn’t help that you kept leaning more and more towards her, what are you trying to do chat her up or something?” Hans said, seriously.
“Geez, I certainly got a knack for putting me foot in it, ain’t I?” said Ted as he got up to find Jane.
He started out the door but never made it on account of walking straight into Mervin who was coming the other way.
The Plot Thickens
Jane shot an awful glare across at Ted, the kind of glare that you know instantly how low a regard that person has for you, the kind of glare that for some reason made Ted feel happy that person was there. He didn’t know why, but for some reason he always felt comforted by glares. This phenomenon had been around his whole life, not that he actually enjoyed the fact that he was obviously upsetting these people, mostly because it meant that they weren’t ignoring him. Eventually he went to see a shrink about it, who far from actually addressing his problems started telling him about hers; it led him to conclude that they were the ones with the really serious problems. It was all making him feel rather depressed, fortunately he got another glare when Jane realised he was gawping at her.
The others were all deep in conversation about Mervin’s news, something big was up; someone had been seen moving unicorn horns out of the town. Hans wasn’t sure why it was such a big deal, I mean, so what it might just be in season or something, but Mervin’s tone made him think differently about it. The fact that Mervin then added that he owned part of a local stock at McGregor’s farm, which was the only place where these horns could have come from too, probably explained that.
“Look, I know yeh’re all staring at me cos yeh’ve got no idea what I’m going on about, but yeh’ve gotta understand this. Unicorn horns help to concentrate magical power, and if yeh can assemble a load of them yeh can cast some pretty nasty magic.” preached Mervin to them.
“But why do you own some unicorns?”
“They’re a good investment, yeh know it’s a bit like wine, the older it gets the more powerful a horn it can produce. I thought it would set me up nicely for my retirement, well I needed summat after that Debonshyle bloke decided that all us old miners pensions would be better spent on his gambling habit, then promptly dying with ne heirs and ne way to recoup it when he died.”
“But how do you manage to keep unicorns on someone else’s farm without them knowing about it?”
“Well, this was thi clever part of it all, we created a fish magically and added two extra eyes, and then lured McGregor out fishing for the day, whilst I replaced all his stock of horses with our unicorns, and then made all their horns invisible. Then just having such a weird fish, and all the tourism you get from having people visiting the ‘Famous Five-eyed Fish of Avysmere’ kept him distracted from the different behavior of the unicorns, simple really.”
“You do know fish normally only have two eyes, don’t you?”
“What, really!” replied Mervin, quite astonished. “Just watched this fish in cartoon a few days before and that had three, so I just assumed that they do, I’ve never seen a real live one to compare with.”
“But…” began Jane, eventually giving up on trying reasoning it out, instead she had another question, “So what did you do with the horses?”
“Well, we created a stable around the back of the castle to house them and then made that invisible too.”
“But wouldn’t it just have been simpler to put the unicorns there in the first place,” suggested Hans, making a sensible comment for a change.
“Never really thought about it tha way, though my plan did boost thi tourist industry yeh know,” mused Mervin, but then drifted back to the point. “So, are any of yeh gonna help me or just sit around doing nothing much like usual.”
“But what do you want us to do about it Dad? It’s not like you’ve assembled the greatest magicians of all time!” exclaimed Chloe.
“I know, I know, I canne expect yeh to go in some magical duel with whoever this is, but they are partially owned by me and I do have part of the responsibility in tracking them down.”
“Oh, wow, I could be like, Hans Little PI, I could get an office in town and get a pet dog to guard it that I’d share all my secrets with, just like in the books I used to read as a kid,” said Hans, quite excited by the idea.
No-one else was. Instead they just stared at him, in the kind of puzzled expression you reserve for when someone is clearly talking complete and utter nonsense.
“He’s got a point,” announced Jane, somewhat unexpectedly. The others looked at her with the same look they’d just given to Hans. “No, listen to me, I could do with something to keep me occupied during the day, and I suspect so can Hans and Ted, why not start a detective agency?”
“Look all I want yeh to do is help me track down these unicorn bandits, yeh don’t need to go through all this setting up a detective agency business, I just need a little help looking around a bit, can you do that?”
“Aww... but I really wanted to have a detective agency, I’ve read loads about detective work and I’ve always been interested,” replied Hans.
“Like what?” asked Ted.
“Well, I’ve read all the cases of Sherlock Holmes, and all those of Poirot, you know they solved so many crimes between them I’m surprised neither of them tackled the case of Jack the Ripper!”
“Hans, they’re fiction!” replied Jane
“What, Jack the Ripper is fictional!” said a shocked Hans.
“No, Poirot and Sherlock Holmes, you idiot!”
“Ahh… well the ideas are the same aren’t they? Just need to follow logical deduction and stuff don’t you? We can do that can’t we?” pleaded Hans, looking around at people.
Just as Mervin was about to iterate that he only wanted to find some unicorns, Chloe decided to speak up, “Okay if we’re gonna do this we need to do this properly, this seems a simple enough case to cut our teeth on, but we need a name and then we need to get to work.”
Various names were then bounded about from Hans Super Detectives, which sounded too silly, to Detection Inc, which sounded too serious, too Private Detectives Anonymous, which sounded too much like a rehabilitation group.
“Look what we need is some kind of simple name that tells people what we are and makes it look like we’ve been around longer than ten minutes,” interrupted Chloe.
“What you mean something like Old Detective Agency,” contributed Hans.
“No, that sounds too generic, needs to be authoritive and individual, not sure how though,” said Jane.
“The,” said Hans, gathering confused looks. “Well use ‘The’, you know something like ‘The One And Only,’ how much more unique can you get.”
“Stick with ‘The’ for now, but although ‘The Old Detective Agency’ says old, it doesn’t feel like it if you know what I mean,” said Chloe.
“Simple, use older words,” said Mervin who by now had given up on simply going out to find the unicorns, “Look Ye has the same meaning as The and yeh can just stick an e on old, to get ‘Ye Olde Detective Agency. Right, now we’ve solved that can we please get on wi tracking down these unicorns!”
The others were all deep in conversation about Mervin’s news, something big was up; someone had been seen moving unicorn horns out of the town. Hans wasn’t sure why it was such a big deal, I mean, so what it might just be in season or something, but Mervin’s tone made him think differently about it. The fact that Mervin then added that he owned part of a local stock at McGregor’s farm, which was the only place where these horns could have come from too, probably explained that.
“Look, I know yeh’re all staring at me cos yeh’ve got no idea what I’m going on about, but yeh’ve gotta understand this. Unicorn horns help to concentrate magical power, and if yeh can assemble a load of them yeh can cast some pretty nasty magic.” preached Mervin to them.
“But why do you own some unicorns?”
“They’re a good investment, yeh know it’s a bit like wine, the older it gets the more powerful a horn it can produce. I thought it would set me up nicely for my retirement, well I needed summat after that Debonshyle bloke decided that all us old miners pensions would be better spent on his gambling habit, then promptly dying with ne heirs and ne way to recoup it when he died.”
“But how do you manage to keep unicorns on someone else’s farm without them knowing about it?”
“Well, this was thi clever part of it all, we created a fish magically and added two extra eyes, and then lured McGregor out fishing for the day, whilst I replaced all his stock of horses with our unicorns, and then made all their horns invisible. Then just having such a weird fish, and all the tourism you get from having people visiting the ‘Famous Five-eyed Fish of Avysmere’ kept him distracted from the different behavior of the unicorns, simple really.”
“You do know fish normally only have two eyes, don’t you?”
“What, really!” replied Mervin, quite astonished. “Just watched this fish in cartoon a few days before and that had three, so I just assumed that they do, I’ve never seen a real live one to compare with.”
“But…” began Jane, eventually giving up on trying reasoning it out, instead she had another question, “So what did you do with the horses?”
“Well, we created a stable around the back of the castle to house them and then made that invisible too.”
“But wouldn’t it just have been simpler to put the unicorns there in the first place,” suggested Hans, making a sensible comment for a change.
“Never really thought about it tha way, though my plan did boost thi tourist industry yeh know,” mused Mervin, but then drifted back to the point. “So, are any of yeh gonna help me or just sit around doing nothing much like usual.”
“But what do you want us to do about it Dad? It’s not like you’ve assembled the greatest magicians of all time!” exclaimed Chloe.
“I know, I know, I canne expect yeh to go in some magical duel with whoever this is, but they are partially owned by me and I do have part of the responsibility in tracking them down.”
“Oh, wow, I could be like, Hans Little PI, I could get an office in town and get a pet dog to guard it that I’d share all my secrets with, just like in the books I used to read as a kid,” said Hans, quite excited by the idea.
No-one else was. Instead they just stared at him, in the kind of puzzled expression you reserve for when someone is clearly talking complete and utter nonsense.
“He’s got a point,” announced Jane, somewhat unexpectedly. The others looked at her with the same look they’d just given to Hans. “No, listen to me, I could do with something to keep me occupied during the day, and I suspect so can Hans and Ted, why not start a detective agency?”
“Look all I want yeh to do is help me track down these unicorn bandits, yeh don’t need to go through all this setting up a detective agency business, I just need a little help looking around a bit, can you do that?”
“Aww... but I really wanted to have a detective agency, I’ve read loads about detective work and I’ve always been interested,” replied Hans.
“Like what?” asked Ted.
“Well, I’ve read all the cases of Sherlock Holmes, and all those of Poirot, you know they solved so many crimes between them I’m surprised neither of them tackled the case of Jack the Ripper!”
“Hans, they’re fiction!” replied Jane
“What, Jack the Ripper is fictional!” said a shocked Hans.
“No, Poirot and Sherlock Holmes, you idiot!”
“Ahh… well the ideas are the same aren’t they? Just need to follow logical deduction and stuff don’t you? We can do that can’t we?” pleaded Hans, looking around at people.
Just as Mervin was about to iterate that he only wanted to find some unicorns, Chloe decided to speak up, “Okay if we’re gonna do this we need to do this properly, this seems a simple enough case to cut our teeth on, but we need a name and then we need to get to work.”
Various names were then bounded about from Hans Super Detectives, which sounded too silly, to Detection Inc, which sounded too serious, too Private Detectives Anonymous, which sounded too much like a rehabilitation group.
“Look what we need is some kind of simple name that tells people what we are and makes it look like we’ve been around longer than ten minutes,” interrupted Chloe.
“What you mean something like Old Detective Agency,” contributed Hans.
“No, that sounds too generic, needs to be authoritive and individual, not sure how though,” said Jane.
“The,” said Hans, gathering confused looks. “Well use ‘The’, you know something like ‘The One And Only,’ how much more unique can you get.”
“Stick with ‘The’ for now, but although ‘The Old Detective Agency’ says old, it doesn’t feel like it if you know what I mean,” said Chloe.
“Simple, use older words,” said Mervin who by now had given up on simply going out to find the unicorns, “Look Ye has the same meaning as The and yeh can just stick an e on old, to get ‘Ye Olde Detective Agency. Right, now we’ve solved that can we please get on wi tracking down these unicorns!”
The Lover's Retreat
The unicorns would have to wait until the morning, everyone apart from Chloe and Hans were far too tired, and they couldn’t remember where they’d left the car keys anyway. No doubt they’d be somewhere really obvious, like when someone is looking for a hat and it turns out they’ve been wearing it all along.
They couldn’t be bothered to look however, and decided to go sit and watch the thunder storm outside from the top of the tallest tower. It wasn’t really the tallest tower, more that it was the only tower, but it sounded more impressive when people called it that. The castle was originally supposed to have two towers but before the second one had been built, the owners had changed their minds and decided to build a bridge across a bog just north-west of the castle. No-one knew why, not even Mervin (though it was equally likely that he’d forgotten, you could never tell).
They were sat across the window seat looking out across the fields surrounding the castle. Hans had his back against the wall, holding Chloe who was sat in front of him. She felt comfortable when he was around, she had no idea why, it made no sense, he was a bumbling oaf if true words were to be spoken, but he was so much more than that.
“So when did you become a half vampire?” asked Hans politely, they’d got onto the topic of this earlier and she explained that she could go outside during the day but only really well covered up, or else she’d get a kind of extreme sunburn. Most people in town thought she was a muslim, and once one guy who had completely lost the plot gave her a carved wooden Buddha, thinking it would be a nice gift.
The answer to the present question was something that Chloe thought a little embarrassing, she’d been attacked by a stranger when leaving the pub she’d worked in. She’d reported the attack to the police but they just thought she was a weirdo who’d self-inflicted the wounds and they’d referred her to a mental health institution, which she’d escaped from and fled here. The previous owners didn’t know about her, but she’d helped her father maintain the place at nights. The change had happened whilst she’d been on the run from the asylum, but she hadn’t noticed until she’d got here as she’d traveled during the nights anyway.
“Oh,” was all Hans could say, he felt it prudent not to say anything else to save himself sounding either condescending or uncaring. “Ask me something then.”
Chloe wondered why he’d decided to live in Avysmere castle rather than anywhere else. It wasn’t as if it was the most well known castle in country, in fact people were far more likely to tell you it didn’t exist, or that it wasn’t in Avysmere at all, it just happened to be rather near it. But instead of asking him, she just gazed out into the night sky.
They couldn’t be bothered to look however, and decided to go sit and watch the thunder storm outside from the top of the tallest tower. It wasn’t really the tallest tower, more that it was the only tower, but it sounded more impressive when people called it that. The castle was originally supposed to have two towers but before the second one had been built, the owners had changed their minds and decided to build a bridge across a bog just north-west of the castle. No-one knew why, not even Mervin (though it was equally likely that he’d forgotten, you could never tell).
They were sat across the window seat looking out across the fields surrounding the castle. Hans had his back against the wall, holding Chloe who was sat in front of him. She felt comfortable when he was around, she had no idea why, it made no sense, he was a bumbling oaf if true words were to be spoken, but he was so much more than that.
“So when did you become a half vampire?” asked Hans politely, they’d got onto the topic of this earlier and she explained that she could go outside during the day but only really well covered up, or else she’d get a kind of extreme sunburn. Most people in town thought she was a muslim, and once one guy who had completely lost the plot gave her a carved wooden Buddha, thinking it would be a nice gift.
The answer to the present question was something that Chloe thought a little embarrassing, she’d been attacked by a stranger when leaving the pub she’d worked in. She’d reported the attack to the police but they just thought she was a weirdo who’d self-inflicted the wounds and they’d referred her to a mental health institution, which she’d escaped from and fled here. The previous owners didn’t know about her, but she’d helped her father maintain the place at nights. The change had happened whilst she’d been on the run from the asylum, but she hadn’t noticed until she’d got here as she’d traveled during the nights anyway.
“Oh,” was all Hans could say, he felt it prudent not to say anything else to save himself sounding either condescending or uncaring. “Ask me something then.”
Chloe wondered why he’d decided to live in Avysmere castle rather than anywhere else. It wasn’t as if it was the most well known castle in country, in fact people were far more likely to tell you it didn’t exist, or that it wasn’t in Avysmere at all, it just happened to be rather near it. But instead of asking him, she just gazed out into the night sky.
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